Come Messy.

I am 7 1/2 months pregnant.  On top of that reality, I have a vibrant 17 month old to lovingly chase after each day.  Needless to say by 8:00PM, once Gideon is asleep, the day is over for this Momma.  The couch is suddenly my best friend.  Ok, who am I kidding, the bed is my best friend!

But if you know me at all you know that I am a bit of a neat-freak!  At the end of each day I like to do a quick once-over before bed and get everything in working order.  I finish up the dirty dishes, put away the laundry, clear off the bottomless pit that is the kitchen table, etc.  That way I am able to start the next day with a clean clutter-free house and it makes me quite happy.  Well, last night, not only did my daily to-do list remain only half accomplished, but every corner of my house was also in exceptional disarray.  Since this pregnant Momma was left with zero steam to make the magic happen, the disaster remained.  And I went to bed.

This morning at 5:30AM, I was wide awake and ready to take on the day (I am a morning person, what can I say?!?).  Now understand this.  I always strive to put Jesus FIRST in my day.  I'm not saying that it always ends up happening that way, but it is always my goal and my heart's desire.  So I sat down at the kitchen table and grabbed my Bible.  And then, of course, my son starts to scream (he is the lightest sleeper on the earth and wakes up if he hears a tiny creak in the floor).  So now I am (1) frustrated with the fact that my son is awake at 5:45AM screaming to get out of his bed and (2) I am ALSO completely distracted by the chaos and disorder of my house!  The mound of crusted dishes on the counter are calling out my name... The toys (and random items that my son "thinks" are toys) scattered about the house are suddenly highlighted in my brain... The 6 Target bags from my errands yesterday are begging to be unloaded and put away.  So I think to myself, I will be able to concentrate more on Jesus when my son finally decides to go back to sleep and when the house is sparkling clean... Surely, THEN I will be able to quiet my mind and be still with Him.

I get up and begin to tackle the house... The toys... The dishes... The MESS!  After 45 minutes, my son (thankfully) has fallen back to sleep and my house is beaming with order.  So I sit down and I begin to look at my to-do list, scheming over the order of operation and the probability of fitting it ALL into one day.  AGAIN, I wander off track to something other than sitting down to be with God.  Thankfully (by grace alone) it is only 6:45 and I still have some time left in the morning (since I got up so stinkin' early) so I pick up my Bible, along with the book I am reading, "A Praying Life," and I begin to read.

The chapter is called "Become Like Little Children."  As I read I soon discover that it is talking about coming to Jesus just as we are...

"The criteria for coming to Jesus is weariness.  Come overwhelmed with life.  Come with a wandering mind.  Come messy."  - Paul E. Miller

My eyes welled up with tears.

This message was exactly what I needed.  I had spent the entire morning busy and cleaning up the mess of life.  And I realized that all the while, my Heavenly Father just wanted me to come to Him FIRST.  In all the mess.  In the middle of all the chaos and unfinished business of my life.  Just as I am.  Just as my world existed in that moment - Even if that was with a screaming child in the background, a disaster of a house surrounding me or a to-do list consuming my brain.  Even if I am insanely distracted by my circumstances.  He just wants me to come.  I don't even have to have the Bible or a deep book to read.  I can just come and sit in His lap.  Even with all of my wandering thoughts.  I can just close my eyes and breath in His comfort.  Soak in His embracing presence.  Even if only for a moment (sometimes moments are all we have).  He just wants me to COME... to tell Him that I love Him... that I need Him... that I'm frustrated... that I'm overwhelmed.  He wants me to welcome Him into every messy moment of my day.  Most of all, He longs for me to ENJOY Him in the midst of the messiness.

This is something that I am working on.  I'm trying to find the delicate balance between maintaining order in my home (and my heart), while at the same time not missing out on the eternal things that my eyes "cannot see" along the way.  I become so easily overwhelmed with all the to-do's of life and the short hours that I have to accomplish them.  On top of it all, I worry that I am not praying "enough" or as "effectively" as I should be.  But the reality is that my prayer life will NEVER be perfect.  It was never meant to be.  Prayer is simply communication with God.  My Father just wants me to talk to Him about what is going on in my life and allow Him to walk with me.  He wants to be there when I stumble (and I WILL stumble), not to condem me but to encourage me and love me through it.  And even to LAUGH with me in the middle of my ridiculous problems.  He wants my straight-forward honesty.  Nothing hidden.  My frustration, weariness, confusion and strife are all instruments that God uses to draw me closer to Him.  And for that, I can rejoice in the mess.  

Jesus, help me to always look to You first... messy... and help me hand it all over to YOU!

Taking a walk in the light...

     I went on a walk this weekend with my family... As I was breathing in the fresh air and gazing ahead at the trail, I experienced a moment of breakthrough. 

     For the past 2 years, one of my greatest life challenges has been in figuring out how to do relationship with God (as a wife and a mom) in a way that comes close to comparing to the intimacy I had with Him as a single person.  On the one hand, I have a husband that I long to draw close to God WITH, not separately.  And what exactly is that suppose to look like?  Then on the other hand, I don't have a fraction of the time that I used to have to spend with God.   

    I am forever grateful that God has brought me to this new season, but adjusting to life as a Wife and a Mom has been an extremely challenging journey!  And somewhere along the way, I think I just began to depend too much on my own strength.  I grew weary.  Without even realizing it, I slowly began living in my own strength instead of resting in Him in my place of weakness.  I long to rely on God like I once did, in a way that literally sets my heart on fire!  

     So this question of "how" has remained my heart cry. 

     And now suddenly, I have felt God awakening my heart to a new season with Him.  He is showing me that relationship with Him is never going to look exactly like it once did, but that it can still be incredibly beautiful and intimate.  He is reminding me to SEEK HIM in every single moment... And to meditate on the fact that He is ALWAYS seeking after me.  "Your beauty and love chase after me every day of my life." (Psalm 23:6)

     So on our walk, I saw this trail ahead of me, with a beam of light bursting down at the end.  And God spoke to me in this moment saying, "You have been on a detour these past 2 years, trying to get back to a place of intimate connection with me... Now you are finally arriving back to the place where my light shines BRIGHTER THAN ANYTHING ELSE IN YOUR LIFE.  Please take my hand.  And let's go on a entirely new walk together.  Welcome back."  

   

    I feel like my spirit has come back to life again... And, my soul is rejoicing in the light!

Life is a gift from God.

We go to church with a couple who are also expecting a baby, one day away from our due date.  She and I are both 25 weeks pregnant right now.  Sadly, their sweet baby girl's heart is growing too fast for her body, so her lungs do not have enough room to grow and develop.  This is very dangerous and if they don't take her early the baby may not survive.  However, if they do take the baby early she doesn't have a very high change of survival either.  So they are injecting the baby's lungs with steroids to try to get them to grow in the next couple of days before they deliver.  My heart is in angst, as I look down at my belly, and think about my mommy-friend who is walking out this trial.  I don't understand why we have a healthy growing baby, while this precious baby is fighting for her life.  We know and love the same God... He is the Creator of both of these babies.  I know that He hears both of our prayers!  It seems that the longer I know God, the MORE I discover that there is to know about God... But while I don't always understand His ways, I completely believe and trust that HE IS STILL IN CONTROL!  His faithfulness does not escape one moment of our lives.

Father God, please perform a miracle in this baby girl.  May the story of her life be a living testimony to the name and power of Jesus... Raise her body up in health and strength... Work behind the scenes (beyond the understanding and comprehension of our human minds) to bring about a beautiful story of grace and beauty in the midst of all this confusion and grief.  I ask for a comfort to wash over these precious parents and for their marriage to be bound with a unity that most couples will never come close to experiencing in a lifetime.  Bring about GOOD from all of this, Jesus.  Your Word promises this (Romans 8:28).  In Your name, Amen.

Meanwhile, I stand amazed (and with a sobered perspective) at the life that God has graciously blessed my husband and I with in our son, Gideon Luke... as well as the life that is growing inside my belly.  There is no greater gift than LIFE.  I will seek to live in the fear and wonder of this gift.  And for all the unanswered questions, I trust that no matter what happens, God's heart for us is always good!  His plans for us are always perfect.  His desire for us, above all else, is for us to draw close to Him in the midst of all that He gives... AND all that He takes away.  His grace is enough to sustain our hearts, no matter what happens.  Our lives are in His hands.